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Board Movie Hall of Shame
6 films that make us cringe and laugh at the same time
The pendulum of public fervor periodically swings back towards the Xtreme sports of boardriding. When it does you can bet some producer and his hack scriptwriter will convince a studio head to fund their flick and out pops cookie cutter comedy showcasing a stereotypical goofball who is either a deadbeat, a stoner, and underachiever or a combo of these who somehow manages to use his off-the-wall attitude and zany friends to triumph over seemingly overwhelming odds.
While these flicks usually get most people who have any connection with the portrayed lifestyle groaning in dismay and the rest of the world thinking that we're a bunch of idiots, they somehow manage to charm enough of their audience so that the next time interest swells, another producer has got a script in his fist full of schlocky one liners and 2d characters ready to roll.
The worst part is that there's always at least one or two priceless moments that leave you in a forgiving mood. At least until the next one shows up.
With that in mind, here are a couple of inaccurate, cheesy, offensively appealing flicks you can love to hate when the sea has gone flat, you've twisted your ankle or you just need something to fume about.
Chairman of the Board (1998)
Surf bum inventor becomes head of major company. Carrot Top, Courtney Thorne Smith and Raquel Welch.
Though not a movie about boardriding as such, a major part of the lead character's, er, character is that he's a surfer. It's one of IMDB's top 20 worst films of all time. Carrot Top as a surfer is totally unbelievable. Firstly because if all that hair gets wet that scrawny neck would probably snap and his pale skin might burst into flames the same colour as his hairdo if exposed to direct sunlight for longer than an hour. He's rocking some pretty sweet boardies on the cover though, so points for that.
Best Part: Norm Macdonald ripping the show a new one on Conan O'Brien while Carrot Top's co-star Courtney Thorne-Smith sits back and laughs helplessly as he sinks her new film and simultaneously hits on her. CLICK HERE
xXx (2002)
Underground superstar gets blackmailed into working for the government to infiltrate post communist anarchic crime syndicate.
Vin Diesel plays the baddest bad ass that ever badded an ass on a board, bike or, in his first scene, sports car. There's a whole bunch of cameos from actual superstars which is pretty cool. The major bummer about this flick was that they tried too hard with the main character. He couldn't be some guy who had to reluctantly use his varied skills to save the world. Instead he was a broody, over the top, cocky prick who very nearly sides with the guys who are trying to kills millions of people. Rad, great role model and ambassador for boarding there.
Best Part: There are so many, but if I had to choose, I'd say, in no particular order, the teeth shattering ninja kick he administers to a foot soldier while jumping a bike over a 30 foot high fence, the physics defying right angle he pops halfway through a caveman style ollie onto a rail using a tea tray, or the escape from an avalanche by diving head first at the aerial on a radio tower. That, and telling Matt Hoffman he's close to landing a Super Man Seat Grab Barrel Roll (Hopefully whoever does land this first names it a Vin). - Trailer
Ski Patrol (1990)
Misfit Resort employees tussle with well to do counterparts, with hilarious results.
While not strictly a boarder-centric film, this flick gets included for two reasons. Firstly because it's actually pretty funny, and the humor is fairly timeless. Secondly, the main snowboarder in the cast is a schizophrenic psychopath and probably a valid representation of how hostile most skiers and resorts were to board riding drug taking psychotic reprobates of the early 1990's. Things changed, but at that time, riding sideways was the winter equivalent of being a leper with syphilis, halitosis and BO.
Best Part: Probably Stanley's dance scene.
Grind (2003)
Wannabe skate pros follow an icon's road show in the hopes of getting discovered and making it in the big time.
Maybe after Vin's success the year before Hollywood figured the world was ready for a "real" skateboard film. So out came Grind. The premise is actually not too bad. Young guy with talent goes through trials and tribulations to succeed. And some of the skating isn't too shabby either. But it kinda gets bogged down by putting the lame jokes and humor ahead of the skating and the story line and starts stuttering about halfway in before coming to a kind of confused, obvious ending. An opportunity to do right goes horribly wrong.
Best Part : Sweet Lou. He's got the lines, the moves, and skates like a demon despite cowboy boots being his footwear of choice. Other than that, the group of painfully over the top wiggas and Bam Margera acting like, well, Bam are pretty great.
Blue Crush
Talented surfer girl must overcome social, economic and psychological obstacles in order to realise her dream of being a professional surfer.
Blue Crush sets out to tell a story with surfing as the backdrop rather than the focus. I guess they chose it because the advantages of beautiful scenery, lots of bronzed flesh on display and the popularity of board sports at the time would provide something for everyone and add to the popularity. Some of the water cinematography is pretty groovy but the plot just didn't seem able to escape the gravity field of pop culture formulaic storytelling. She overcomes adversity with the help of her friends, despite her fears manages to triumph, and oh yeah, falls in love with a football player. Typical.
Best Part: The intimidating locals (some of whom are real locals), the surf footage, and this re-edit of the preview that pays homage to Rocky.
Out Cold (2001)
Snowboarders get up to mischief while preventing their no-frills resort from being converted into a glitzy tourist trap.
There's a typical group of protagonists in the limelight here and the plot line isn't gonna leave anybody gasping with wonder and awe. In terms of simply being a lighthearted dose of junk food for your brain, this film probably comes out on top, right next to Ski Patrol. Maybe there's something about the cold that makes the jokes funnier. The only problem with this is that you kinda get this deja vu feeling when you've watch it, like you've seen it all before.
Best Part: These belong to Zach Galifianakis' character Luke. Any man who survives having his privates stuck in a hot tub pump, survive a mock car crash and gets defiled by a bear deserves to have some sort of recognition. There's a nice little Best Of reel if you don't have the time to watch the whole thing.
If you've got any others you think deserve to be named and shamed, mail us.
